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20 years

Written Oct 20, 2023

20 years ago today my entire life changed. The funny thing is it never really stopped changing after that, and to be fair it was changing well before...

But this was a life altering Time splitting Soul shocking Change

20 years ago today my mom died.

That's two decades. 20 years 240 months Over 1000 weeks And 7000 days

Honestly, I say that with pride. Because every one of those days are days I survived, I lived, and I thrived.

Of course, I wish I'd had more time with her embodied. That she was here to see the things she missed, my life now, and the things that are to come in my future.

And I am forever grateful for the lessons I learned in the experience of 'losing' her too.

Let's start with this; It is not our body that loses our soul, it is our soul that sheds our body. Just like it is our soul that embodies our body when we decide to incarnate here. Or God flings us into a womb. Or whatever you believe.

This lesson was obvious to me when my aunt took me to see my mother's body prior to her wake. It was uncomfortable, it was sad, and it was hard to witness but mostly... It was bizarre..

To see what once was enlivened, existing with no spark.

And I knew immediately That is not my mom.

I felt my mom in the room and all around me. But certainly not in the body everyone demanded was 'her'

This was not a case of denial, in fact I can now see exactly what it was.

This was a moment of awakening.

I'd dare to say I even found her more soulfully after losing her physically. Though this took -some- time. Like.... - years. Of moving through Anger And sadness And fear And guilt And on And on And on

Lesson two; We are resilient AF.

I lost my mom (Gained my dad full time) I moved to a new place I started a new school I made new friends I fumbled my way through years of grief (Like teenage years, yikes, sorry dad!) And when I realized I needed to I asked for help

Lesson three; We Heal

I landed in the world of holistic therapy, transpersonal psychology, spiritual psychology, etc after multiple attempts with traditional therapy failed me. I'm not saying it's not good for anyone,'s not for me!

And here. I learned that not only can I heal, but I have a passion and a calling and a longing to witness those around me heal. Be it through witnessing, facilitating, or simply just stumbling into it...

So, my mother may not have been here to tell me what to do or advise me directly or hug me in every instance I felt like I needed her to

And she has been whispering in my ear all along Leading me through this life like a wind And she left me in pretty damn good hands

(Thank you to my dad, my aunts, my friends, my partner, and all the people in my life that have held me - in person and in energy- throughout the years. I love you you guys)

I miss ya Ma And I love you

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